As I approach the gate of this mysterious city I find the portcullis down and a guard patrolling with a crossbow. Surely there must be something amiss. Seeing as how I won't be able to get in this city without dealing with the sentry I call to him and demand he open the gate. The man obviously lived in a cave his whole life as he did not immediatly recognize me for the hero I am. I mean come on, how many times do I have to save the world for celebrity status? This can't be good, everyone from Britania knows who I am, so obviously we're not in Britan any more Toto. Like a good sentry I am challenged by the guard when I approach the gate, and told to identify myself. Since this low-ranking arrow target doesn't immediatly recognize me I shall not waste my time telling him I am the honest-to-ghost-Avatar. Instead I asked him who he was to be questioning me so. The man's helmet must be on too tight as he doesn't even answer my freaking question, and calls me a stranger. Wow, this guy is officer material! Inquiring futher he explains that with all the storms and goblin raiders (goblins, never killed one of those) they don't see many strangers coming to Monitor (this dunderhead assumes that I must be from around here, but due to my superior intellect, I correctly assume Monitor is the name of the town). The loose-tounged simpleton also hinted that I may be in league with some wizard that magically appeared in town interrupting some funeral of sorts and was promptly imprisoned. If this wizard is powerful enough to teleport, I must find him and convince him to help me leave this cursed Isle! Asking about the "enchanter" I am told that I should speak to Lord Marsten, who is obviously this man's commanding officer. Well that would be great if this fool would open the cursed gate! Trying to make small talk with this man in order to get him to let me in, he tells a tale of a patrol of knights slaughtered by Goblins. Only one survived and some Helm had been lost. Some Champion Knight is also missing in action yadda yadda yadda. If these Goblins are so powerful as to slay the best fighters in this city, perhaps I shall ally with them, name myself Warlord and take this city as my own. Finally listening to his drivel about how the Knights are doomed I again demand he open the gate. The genius asks if I'm friend or foe. You've got to be kidding me.......

Monitor's Finest has time proven methods of interrogating the enemy

Despite every fiber of my being wanting to scream "FOE!" and engage the hapless meathead in mortal combat, I realize that telling him I was a friend was the only way I would be able to enter this decrepit city. He agrees to let me enter but demands that I be accompanied by an escort. Very well, someone of my stature is entitled to an honor guard. I am told to meet this Lord of his at the funeral parlor, and I promptly make my way into the city of Monitor with two green armored pikemen escorting me. I take the first street north looking for the mortuary. Naturally the first building I see I enter. It appears to be a house, so I decide to look around. Under the watchful eyes of my "escort" I promptly steal a loaf of bread and some form of currency. What kind of guards are these! These fools really are inept, no wonder the Goblins are having no trouble slaying them.

I exit the farmhouse and continue north upon seeing a large stone building built into the side of the mountain I assume that I am at the funeral home. I also notice that my "escort" has abandoned me, probably gone to the tavern to chase wenches and drink. As I step through the double doors I am greeted with somber organ music. Damn I'm good. To my right is some massive machine generating much heat. Seeing what appear to be urns on the shelf next to the machine, I'm guessing that its some type of incinerator. Speaking to the man wandering about the chamber, I learn that this Lord Marsten is below in the crypt attending a funeral. Not wanting to wait to see him, I decide to go crash the party. The crypt is your typical dry dusty skankhole cave. Hearing sobbing from around a corner I find several men crying on each other next to an urn on a pedestal. I burst in to break up the feast of despair and immediatly address the one who looks like a noble. Turns out to be this Lord Marsten I've been told to contact, through his blubbery voice I learn that I've just interrupted the entombing of Pikeman Groat. Two other men chime in lamenting the slaughter or their pittiful army at the hands of the Goblin Hordes, with stories of feasting on human flesh and other babble. Looks like their mighty champion was eaten alive. One of the other so-called Knights chimes in that this Knight Champion was not only female but the "bedmate" of the Lord of the city! No wonder their army is in such sorry shape. Some fool the Lord adressed as Brendann also hinted that he has partaken in the wench. I was hoping to see the two come to blows over this deceased harlot, but turns out Brendann was too cowardly to speak up when the Lord challenged him. Quickly tiring of this man's babbling about slaying the Goblins (bang up job on that your Lordship) and Knighthood, I ask about the enchanter I've been seeking

Turns out Lord Marsten is rather steamed that this wizard appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the funeral service (wonder what he thinks of me) and had him incarcerated. Maybe this wizard isn't so powerful if he allows this bumbling group of amatures capture him. Shamino rudely butts in and asks if it could possibly be the missing Iolo. Before he can speak again, I backhand him with a mailed fist, silencing his waggling tounge. He shall learn obediance! I think I have just the way of teaching him an object lesson....later of course. Marsten says if I'd like to meet this enchanter I can find him locked up in the city jail. I shall do that, but first I need information.

According to Lord Marsten the city of Monitor is divided amongst 3 Commands of Knights. Wonderful, now I have to deal with politics. Marsten claims the Leopard party, who he says are the moderates who keep the Wolves and Bears from fighting. Apparently the Wolves are the Expansionist party and the Bears are the Isolationists. I must figure some way of turning the three groups against each other to my own advantage. Figuring the best way to do this is to infiltrate the Knighthood, I ask for Lord Marsten's permission to take the Test of Knighthood. The fool, who locked up a sorcerer for interrupting a funeral service has just granted me an opportunity to join his legion after doing the same thing. This city shall be mine!

As I bid Marsten goodbye, my thoughts dwell on how I shall usurp his control over this city. I turn to leave when lo and behold! Who is being escorted into the crypt by two pikemen, but one of my lost companions, Dupre. Knowing this fool's past history I assume that he was picked up for being drunk in public again. Knowing that he will bring me endless headaches, but consoling myself that I can always slay and resurrect him, I offer to post his bail and Lord Marsten releases him into my custody. Dupre claims that all his gear has been taken as well by the storms, but knowing him, he likely pawned it off for liquer and barmaids. Leaving the crypts I seek to redistribute my equipment between my two mules...er compainions. When I open Shamino's pack I find several urns that he apparently lifted from the crypts. I'm all for grave robbing, but only for money, jewelry, weapons and armor, you know the good stuff. Why would anyone steal human remains.....

For the love of all that is sacred Why urns?

I can't take much more of this. First Shamino speaks without being bidden, and now he's collecting human ashes. Something must be done! I drop Shamino's pack to the ground and tell him to pick it up. As he leans over to retrieve it I drive my sword into the base of his skull killing him instantly. Not satisfied by simply killing him, I drag his body to the trap doors at the top of the cremator.

Burn in the fires of the the Nine Hells you sick freak!

Throwing the switch next to the doors I am pleased to see Shamino's corpse fall into the firey pit, instantly burning as the doors close. A part of me hopes that Shamino is still alive as he is immolated in flames. Several seconds later an urn filled with I assume to be Shamino's ashes rolls out on a conveyer belt below.

Since you like urns so much Shamino....

Pulling the lid off the urn I unceremoniously dump his remains to the ground. Noticing Durpe looks a little queasy (probably still drunk) I punch him in the stomach as hard as I possibly can and laugh aloud as he spews forth his last meal on Shamino's ashes. Satisfied that Shamino has been properly punished, I use the Hourglass of Fate to summon forth the Witch-Monk to bring my companion forth from death and defilement. She does so, with a strange look in my direction then disappears. Yeah she digs me.

Shamino, unphased by his journey to the other side. Stands by as always and awaits my bidding as I remove the urns from his pack.

I leave the funeral parlor and not knowing the exact location of this jail, take time to loot..er...explore the city. Doors are kicked in, locks are shattered, possessions robbed without a moment's hesitation, Mr. Bojangles has come to Monitor.

After looting the city of Monitor of everything not nailed down, our packs are somewhat heavier.

Having grabbed all I could, I've decide to finally go see this "enchanter". As I enter the decepit jailhouse, the familar sound of pitiful wailing coming from the one occupied cell fills my ears. Peering through the bars on the door my worst suspicions are comfirmed. It is indeed Iolo, so much for getting teleported off this rock. Iolo, being somewhat slow, dim-witted, and possibly senile fails to notice the look of disgust on my face and pleads with me to get him out of his cell. As he comes closer to the cell door the stench of one who has lived days in his own filth makes my eyes water and my stomach churn. He starts rambling about freedom, spiders, lightning and apples. Somewhere in his rant he begs me to talk to Lord Marsten. Again, the hot monk chicks voice enters my head warning me that I must have all my companions with to save the world yet again. Hating myself for it, I decide to go find Marsten again.

I found Marsten in his office, and told him that Iolo was no enchanter, hell he could barely string a sentance together much less cast a spell. Marsten tells me that he would only release him to a knight. Knowing that no other fool-knight in this city would bother with it I guess that I'll have to see about this knighthood thing. Grabbing the first knight I see I ask him where I am to take this test. He tells me to take the road north of the city and following the first trail west to a cave where I am to suffer some ordeals. Well, they can't be that hard, seeing the fecal matter walking around this city wearing the mantle of knighthood it appears that anyone can be knighted. Guess I should get this crap out of the way.

I make my way through the gate and find myself on an ancient highway. I travel not 50 paces north when that damn colored lightning strikes again, luckily missing me and mine. Not wanting to go through the hell of the past day, I promptly pick up the pace. Dupre is obviously still drunk (I believe that he pilfered some booze during our pillaging of the city), and is having trouble keeping up. Turning around long enough to knock him unconcious with a mailed fist, I order Shamino to carry the larger Dupre on his back and threaten him with dismemberment should he fall behind. Moving farther north I turn left at the first path I see. It leads me to a small house with a knight inside.

I barge in and demand to take the test. The knight tells me that I am to take this test alone with no compainions. Fine by me, those two morons deserve no glory. Dupre suggest that I meet him and Shamino at the tavern when I am done with my test. Before I can draw my sword to cut out this disloyal drunkards tounge, Shamino silences him with a kife edge chop to the throat. He tells me that the two shall wait for me here. He's probably waiting around hoping I fall in battle so that he can loot my gear, there's somthing odd about him lately, I think the lightning rattled his brains. The knight then tells me that I am only to wear leather armor and carry only a lowly mace for a weapon. Don't get me wrong, a mace is a fine weapon, and nothing is more satisfying than the sound of a foe's skull crushing under a forceful blow, however, I am one accustomed to only the finest magical gear, preferably one possessed by an infernal demon. I shall however lower myself to the level of these pitiful knights and show them what I can do with next to nothing. Guarenteeing victory I follow the knight out of the house to a set of steel doors. The knight unlocks them and as I enter, the knight chuckles to himself. Not wanting to waste further words on this fool I advance into the cavern as the doors close behind me....

Step one to conquering Monitor: become a knight

Chapter 3