The huge iron doors close behind me, locking me in a musty chamber lit by the glow of many torches. There is a door to my left, but it is locked, forcing me to follow a blind turn around a corner going right. So far I'm not impressed. As I round the corner the whole corridor seems to explode in fire. This is a setup! The Knights don't want me to pass this test, they sent me here to die! But first I shall escape and teach them the folly of their ways! Sprinting down the hallway infront of the explosions I pause for a moment in a small chamber to my right to catch my breath. What do I see in the far corner of this room but a chest! Surely there must be something of value in it. Noticing that the explosions have stopped, I make my way to the far corner of the room to further investigate. Out of nowhere two little monsters that can only be described as demon babies with purple skin tear at my flesh with their jagged claws and teeth. I kick one away and bring my mace down to crush one of the little bastards into a bloody paste. The other, perhaps smarter than his now deceased companion, circles me chattering at me in some forgotten tounge, no doubt cursing my soul. I have no time for this! Swinging my mace in what can only be described as a baseball swing, I send the cursed wretch slamming into the farthest wall where it explodes in a shower of gore on impact. Searching the bodies yields nothing. So I turn my attention to the chest. It's locked, go figure, and the traitorous knight outside has my lockpicks. Never one without a plan "B" I bash the chest with my mace, hoping none of the booty inside is overly fragile. I sort through the bits of broken wood and metal to find a gold key. Yes! Perhaps a way out. But first I should explore the rest of this hole.

The key opens a door at the end of the exploding corridor leading me to a four-way intersection. The key works on none of the other doors but the set of double doors to my left are unlocked. I enter a large chamber with a stone pillar. On top of that pillar is a key, placed out of my reach. Looking around the room to see if there is anything useful I see many large flat stones scattered on the floor. You call this a test?

If this is a test of the Knights of Monitor, then they truly are my inferiors

Looks like its time for some creative engineering. Deciding to use the stones to make a crude staircase I begin to move them into place at the base of the monolith. Further reinforcing my beliefs that the knights of Monitor are nothing but amateurs, it seems that under some of the stones are poisonus snakes, undoubtably placed there to kill the person trying to use the stones to reach the key. I dispatch the vile reptiles with ease, and, several minutes and snake corpses later, climb my makeshift stairway to reach the brown rusty key. I exit the snake and rock chamber when a sharp pang on hunger strikes me. I realize that I have not eaten in some time. All the more reason to finish this test as soon as possible. The key unlocks the door on the southern end of the 4 way intersection. I make my way down yet another corridor into another room. The room is empty at first save a key in the far corner. As I make my way to that a monsterous cyclops is spawned and the walls start shooting fireballs at me. This is insane. How could the Knights possibly expect anyone to survive battling a cyclops with a mace and leather armor, all while fire and lightning rain in from the walls? Discression being the better part of valor I sprint past the huge lumbering brute tuck and roll a few times and grab the key. Again I am forced to dodge both the magical enery and the one eyed behemoth as I sprint back to the four way. I quickly open the door, then close and lock it behind me. I pause a moment to enjoy the cyclops's roar of frustration at having lost his prey.

I take note of my surroundings. To the north is another door (locked damnit!) and a bag on the ground. Inside the bag I find two bottles, one containing red and the other containing yellow liquid. Knowing from prior experience the yellow bottle to contain a healing potion, I quickly quaff it down and feel somewhat more refreshed. My refreshment doesn't last long as the fire and lightning again erupt from the walls forceing me to flee south and around a corner to my left. Following the corridor I enter a room on the right side. One filled with 4 chests. Knowing that someone has been setting me up to be killed and suspecting the chests to be trapped, I lean against the east wall of the chamber to gather my thoughts. I am soon picking myself up off the floor as it appears that the section of wall that I have chosen to support myself on is nothing more than an illusion of some sort. Ignoring the chests for now (after all I can always come back and force someone else to open them) I feel my way through a dark passage that leads me to (suprise!) another key. The key unlocks a door I find around the corner (after dodging a few more fireballs) and leads me to yet another key, along with a lever of some sort. Knowing that the lever must open something, I throw it and the wall next to me swings open. Quickly grabbing this other key I make my way in. The room smells of filth and garbage and I soon see why. Rats, lots of them, but there is yet another key in the room. Making my way past the rats I snatch it up and leave the room, throwing the switch behind me to cut off the pack of feral rodents hoping to feast on me. Perhaps you ask why the mighty Bojangles runs from vermin? Number one, slaying rodents is beneath me, thats a job for children and the Kights of Monitor. Number two, I'm sure these cowardly knights have something else in store for me and I refuse to tire myself out crushing rodents. Using the two keys I have aquired I find my way through a few more passageways. One leads to a table with a claw and a scroll. There's also more fireballs. Again, doging fireballs I grab the two objects off the table. Once I'm safely away from further damage I read the scroll. The scoll states that to be a knight of monitor I must shed blood for others. I assume I am to use the claw. Not wanting to injure myself further, I pick off a scab from a previous wound and dabble the pointy end of the claw into the blood. Nothing happens yet, I swear to all that is sacred, this had better pay off!

I make my way south, with much rage in my heart. Out of nowhere appears a green-clad Pikeman of Monitor. I'm about to go grab him by the throat and demand an explaination when he draws a mace of his own and assumes a fighting stance! He could not have made me any happier. I have wanted to fight one of these cursed knights since I arrived at their wretched city, my desire to shed their blood has only multiplied tenfold going trough this stupid test. I would like to say that it was a quick fight, but it wasn't. I took my time teaching this knight an object lesson. Several shattered limbs later, the pathetic wretch pleaded for death, to which I happily obliged him, courtesy of a mace given to me by one of his own. I rummage through his belongings hoping to find something worthwile. Aside from the mace that he carried, which was similar to my own, was a rolled parchment. On that parchment was a murder-for-hire contract. One which targeted myself and was signed by only by an "X". To make matters worse the one who wrote the contract stated that this was to be an easy hit! Ha! When I am finished with this "test" I shall drag the body of the failed hit man through the streets of Monitor as a sign of how "easy" I am to kill! Then the streets of Monitor will flow red with blood as I track down the one who wishes me dead. Vengence will be mine!

I manage to find a hidden passageway, concealed by a hidden door no less. The passage leads me to a large room, one that is well adorned with pillars, carpet, and two fountains. Thirsty, I drink from one, and feel as though I had just drank several healing potions. This is such a find! A fountain of healing, I shall return with many bottles and kegs, and make millions selling this wonderful water, but first I must escape. On a table in this room is a scroll next to an urn. The scroll states that I must mix my blood with the ashes found in the urn to summen my totem animal spirit. Turns out the ashes belong to an ancient Goblin King named Gurnordir. I am suprised that these knights were able to slay even one goblin, much less the king. Doing as instructed I mix the blood taken by the claw into the ashes. Summoned by magic, a wolf leaps out of nowhere lunging for my throat. The wolf fights hard, a worthy totem for one such as myself, yet falls to my mace. I am forced to drink the healing water again, as the wolf has wounded me.

Bad doggie! now play dead!

Remembering hearing that I am to feast on the totem animal's flesh and wear its hide, I take the corpse with me. As I heft it on my shoulders I find another key under its body which unlocks one more door leading me closer to the end of this test. The corridor leads me around to where I started but before I can exit this cursed cave. Shmed, Master of the Knights Test, the one who locked me in here to begin with, blocks my way brandishing a large two handed sword. He is suprised that I have survived. He tells me that the traps he rigged were sure to be fatal. I guess he's the one to blame for the inept assassin. He tells me he has to kill me now, and that he can't let "her" down. Hmm, the plot thickens, somone, female, has put this knight up slaying me. My thoughts are interrupted as Shmed attempts to seperate my head from my neck with his greatsword. He misses, and falls to the ground, aided of course by my mace to his leg. Not wanting to waste time toying with him, I deliver the coup de grace with my mace to the back of his skull. His corpse is promply relieved of the two-handed sword, along with a key to the exit, some chain mail, and a note from the woman who asked Shmed to deliver my corpse. Turns out she's paying him with a currency not found in any bank. When I find this wench I shall make her pay, with the two-handed sword that I have just claimed from her lover. I quickly make my way back into the cave and grab the corpse of the other would be assassin. Looks like my victory parade will have two "guests" of honor.

Me and my two would-be assassins. Note who's dead. Send pros next time.

Dragging the two corpses out of the cave, I walk into the small house outside the cave that used to be Shmed's office. Inside is Dupre, drinking some of the departed knights whiskey. I demand he put down the bottle and join me. Outside I find Shamino, staring at two corpses I've just drug in with some wierd look in his eye. I cuff him once on the side of the head and he snaps to. Decideing that I have done enough work for the day, I force my two companions to carry the corpses of my enemies. We loot Shmed's office where I find my gear that I left with him for safe keeping. Satisfied the crook has stolen nothing, I take it all back and arm myself with his two-handed sword. When anything of use to us has been thorughly pilfered we make way back to Monitor. The guard at the north gate recognized me and allowed us to enter. He also said nothing about the two dead bodies my companions were toting. Demanding an explanation I barge into Lord Marsten's office and order Shamino and Dupre to heave the two corpses at the Lord's feet.

What say you to this, Marsten?

Marsten, the fool, says nothing about the two corpses at his feet. He congratulates me on passing the test and tells me I am to take the hide of the wolf to the furrier Cellia, to make me a Cloak of Nighthood, and to take the wolf's meat to Lucilla at the tavern to cook me a stew that will be consumed at a banquet in my honor. I am also told to get a Knight's Tattoo from Lydia. The man seems to know nothing of the plot to kill me. Maybe these three women will have some kind of information. One of them may even be the one who put the late Shmed up to it. I have Shamino and Dupre pick up the two corpses and decide to leave. Both seem rather exhausted carrying the dead weight around, and I may need them for something less mundane. However, I would like to keep the corpses as trophies of my successful Knight's Test. Besides, dead bodies have a tendancy to smell. I know just the place.

I arrive at the funeral parlor, but find no one there. Well it is almost 9 at night, perhaps I shall partake in slumber, and then see about getting the two bodies in to a more travel-ready state. I find a bed that must belong to the curator of the crypts and decide that I am quite tired. It has been a long day of murder and mayhem. Tomarrow, I'm sure will be worse. I order Shamino and Dupre to split the watch that night as I drift off to dreamland.

I awaken to find that my companions are standing by faithfully as ever. Perhaps I should go easier on them. Then again, its ony a matter of time before Dupre gets drunk again, and Shamino takes that which should be rightfully mine, so maybe I shall contine the hard line approach. After all it has gotten me this far, so why change? I find the funeral parlor's undertaker, Renfry tending to the cremator (with which I earlier reduced Shamino to a fine ash) I want to use it so I ask the half-deaf old man if the damn thing still works. He assures me it does and then tells me that he is authorized to pay 100 Monetari (the local currency) for the cremation of departed pikemen. This is great! Not only do I get to save myself the effort of lugging around my two trophies, but I'm going to get paid for cremating at least one of them! I quickly get to work. I cremate both bodies, and collect my fee. Renfry mentions something about giving them a proper burial, and I can't have that. So I wait till the old man turns away and I snatch up the two, still-warm, urns of my latest victims. This cremator will come in handy not only for disposing of those killed under circumstances other than self-defence, but in providing income. Less two heavy corpses, and richer by 100 Monetari and two lighter urns, myself and my compainions head to the shop of Cellia, the furrier.

Cellia, a fire-haired woman with a sharp knife, takes note of the dead wolf I have been carrying around and asks that I give it to her so that she make make my Cloak of Knighthood of it. She also speaks of a foul race of creatures that live in the north known as Gwannis. They are supposedly so evil that even Goblins go to war with them. Supposedly they make fine fur coats. I shall slay me one, and own me a Gwanni cloak! She tells me to give her a day and I shall have my wolf cloak. I bid the woman goodbye and make my way to the tavern to unload the wolf meat on Lucilla for the feast. I enter the tavern and the place is packed. Figuring the buxom woman milling about the tables to be Lucilla I get her attention. She immediatly begins fawning over my body, what a woman, she should tell the hottie monk what she's missing. I make some small talk, and she tells me how she'd love to converse further but since I'm not a knight yet I'll have to wait, ungrateful wench of a tease! Before she can completly blow me off I tell her she needs to get to cooking my wolf stew. She takes it from me and promises the food will be done for my banquet. While I'm at the bar, I might as well talk to the patrons and see if I can't get some information. Aside from an offer to train with a female knight on the List Fields (a sort of gladiator pit) I was afraid I'd come up dry on info when this sculptor, Andral, tells me of an encounter with none other than my old nemisis Batlin. Turns out he rolled into town with a possie of scumbags, and rolled out later with a Blackrock serpent statue belonging to Andral. Guess Batlin stayed in the inn, so I'll have to go talk to the inkeeper. First thing's first though, I need to go get my tattoo. I gathered up my dunderheaded duo (Dupre with a flagon of ale in his hand, at 8:30 am no less) and left the bar. Then it hit me. The weaponsmith is eating at the bar right now. That means he's not at his shop. We sprinted to the shop only to be disappointed. There was a pikeman on post guarding the weapons on display. All was not lost, when I realized there was no one else around, weapons were drawn...

Wrong place, wrong time for you buddy

Realizing we didn't have much time before the shop owner returned, I had Shamino and Dupre fill their packs with the dead pikeman's gear, along with those weapons lying around for the taking. The body was taken to the funeral parlor and disposed of in the cremator. Renfry, ignorant of his part in helping me dispose of evidence, thanks me for helping lay the soul of the poor bastard to rest, and pays me my 100 Monitari as I bolt out the door. Ok, NOW I'll see about that tattoo. I find Lydia's shop. Wow, this woman is one piece of work, blonde, with lots of ink. Dupre, being drunk despite the early hour, asked her for a private showing of all her tattoos. It pleased me to see her drop him to the ground with a swift kick between his legs. I'm liking this one. She asked if I was ready to recieve the Mark of the Wolf on my face. Woah, my face? Hold up, then I'll be marked as knight to all, so much for infiltration. She said it was the way things were done and I guess I had no choice but to comply.

My first tat, Bojangles feels no pain! Now get it off!

I was on my way to the List Field to see what all the hub-ub was about when all of a sudden I was doubled over in pain! Shamino piped up that I didn't look so good, well no crap Shamino, I feel like someone is turning a knife in my stomach. Almost like I've been poisoned. I must find a healer. I ask around and find out the widow Harnaa is the healer of this horrible town. I find her tending her crops in the field in the southwest part of town. She can see that I'm sick, and notes that its not a normal sickness. she confirms my suspicion that I've been poisoned, probably by my tattoo and that it was no accident. She first suggest that I go talk to the lovely Lydia, who I'm sure maybe will just tell me that I was a bad reaction to the ink, I'm sure she would never bring me harm. She then tells me that I must go to the city of Fawn to the north to get Varo leaves from Delphynia, the herbalist. When I return with these rare herbs Harnaa will heal me. Guess I should go talk to Lydia now.

I get to her parlor and she greets me while a smile and asks how I'm doing. I tell her that the old widow Harnaa says that I've been poisoned. Expecting maybe a sympathetic hug and kiss, the trecherous succubus admits to poisoning me! She says that I'm a spineless pawn of Lord British and I deserve to die! She says she will not tell me who put her up to this but, damnit, I am no-one's pawn! Suddenly it all becomes clear, she is the one who seduced the late Shmed into trying to kill me. This is the she-devil I am looking for, and now I fear I must kill this lovely specimen, then find out who hired her. She will taste the steel of dead lover's blade!

Such a waste of such beauty

Feeling a little bad about having to execute the demon wench, I go about the business of looting her shop. Hey I'm all business. Come to think of it, I claim this shop as my new base of operations! Before I can set up shop, the agonizing pain of Lydia's poison kicks in agan. I must reach Fawn or the harlot will have the last laugh. Knowing that Fawn is directly north of Monitor I and my companions begin that way at full speed. We stop along the way to slay a deer for some food, then continue on. As I see the city in the distance we pass by a tower. Out jump a bunch of foul green skinned humanoids, they must be goblins! We slay the ones outside the tower and it appears that there are more inside. Myself and my party in a state of bloodlust we charge the tower slaughtering all the green skinned beasts we can find. They didn't have much for loot, but they were quite fun to kill, and put up a better fight than the knights I had to slay. They will be worthy adversaries.

My first encounter with Goblins ends in a one sided bloodbath. Nothing new here.

We continue north. The city of Fawn is one built with white stone, it is truly a sight to behold. Before I can approach the gate an ugly man who says his name is Ruggs asks me to take a letter to the love of his life, Delphynia, since he is denied entry into the city. Since I'm on my way there, and I don't want to waste time talking to this pig I agree. He says he'll get me hooked up with a map if I return any messages from her. Yeah whatever, leave me alone so I can get healed. I vaugely remeber speaking to one of Fawn's guard and getting him to allow me in, but don't recall the specifics, my pain from the fever being so bad. I stumble around the city, no doubt looking drunk, like Dupre usually is, and find my way to the herbalist. She tells me something about being honored to see me, I just want the Varo Leaves, which she gives me, with no problems. Her generosity reminds me to give her the letter from Ruggs. She says something about how him being so ugly is a sign of evilness...yadda yadd bleh, and asks me to run a letter back to him. What am I know, Mr. Bojangles, Avatar Messanger Service? Ah well its on the way, maybe I can get a decent map of this cursed Isle.

I find Ruggs in small hole in the wall taven outside Fawn's gate, I give him Delphynia's letter and ignore the dribble coming out of his mouth. He introduces me to Scots who give me a "less-than-accuate" map of the island. Great, a messed up map. Well, better than no map at all. I excuse myself and head south at breakneck speed. Along the way I see that the Monitor Pikeman have moved into the tower that I've just recently cleansed of Goblin presence. Nice to see the cowards roll up after the last foe is dead. Pathetic. I keep moving south. I reached Monitor in near record time, I'm sure I made quite a picture running through the streets all pale and sickly, I reached Harnna and she applied the leaves to my face, and I felt better immediatly. I went to check on my cloak, but Cellia shooed me out saying she needed a full 24 hours to get it done, and also hinted at castration should I bother her again. Hell with it, I'm going to the List Field to watch other people fight.

Yes yes, dance my puppets! Fight for my amusement!

Growing bored watching other people fight, and not quite feeling up to jumping down there myself right now. I decide to go talk to Simon, the innkeeper and get some information on the people passing through Monitor. Turns out Batlin did indeed pass through, and went to a place called the Sleeping Bull Inn, northeast of Monitor. Turns out that Iolo's wife Gwenno passed through as well on her way to study with the monks. More than likely she was trying to get as far away from Iolo as possible. Oh yeah, Iolo. Simon offers me some of his Fawnish Ale. Well I've seen Fawn and it is a pristinely beautiful city, so their ale can't be so bad. Next thing I know I'm on my knees vomitting. Turns out Simon's the only one in Monitor able to stomach that crap. Disgusted, and wanting to leave before I kill Simon (he can clean up!) I go to check and see if I can get Iolo released, yet Marsten doesn't think I'm a knight yet because I haven't been through the whole ritualized initiation yet. Anyway, I think I'm going to take a long sleep and hope my Wolf Cloak is done when I wake up. So I go steal someone's bed next to the furrier's, and black out.

After I awaken, I walk next door to the furrier's shop, to check on my cloak. Hey its ready. Looks good too. I make my way to the Knights Hall for my feast!

A feast in my honor, about time!.

I take my seat at the table, my un-Knighted companions waiting outside of course, where I am welcomed and flattered by attention from all three clans of Knighthood. I start telling my tale of the Test of Knighthood when in from the back door bursts open to reveal Harnna sceaming hysterically. The only reason this woman is still alive after interrupting MY banquet is because she helped me out with that fever situation. Turns out her daughter Cantra is missing, everyone at the table blames the Goblins, but she says it was somthing else..right before she passes out. Before I can even speak up, one Knight from the Bear Clan calls another Knight from the Wolf Clan a Goblin spy, he chases him out of the hall with a bow and arrow. To complicate things, the female Knight from the Leopard Clan sticks up for the Wolf guy and hits the man from with a two-handed sword. I'm about to loose my patience, I just worked my tail off for this banquet and now those involved are ready to draw blood at my party.

Why did I ever join the Knighthood...morons.

Lord Marsten must've seen me rising to my feet with my hand on my sword and called an end to the banquet. Wonderful, I get all dressed up and tattooed for nothing! Before the Lord of the City can sneak out the back door, I corner him and tell him that now he shall release Iolo to my custody. He agrees and hands me the key to his cell and tells me I should speak to Harnna about her daughter after she comes to. Well looks like Sir Bojangles, Wolf Knight of Monitor is on the case..............

Chapter 4